Japanese Parenting Styles

 Summary: We can see that Japanese prominent characters are honesty, humility, sensitivity, and teamwork spirit, a sense of community, respect for neighbors, extreme discipline, cautious and perfection in work. Japanese children are educated their ethics immediately from an early age in their family. Japanese parents are American parents who are very interested in environment of parenting; conniver formed a bad habit for children, respect children, always tell the truth, do not lie to others in front of their children, educate their self-confidence, self-reliance; always keep the principle in parenting, etc. However, the basic difference between Japanese parents and American parents is American parents are very strict, even someone is bit harsh in parenting, interested in the individual roles. In contrast, Japanese parents are very in love with their children, full of love, very interested in community and collvective consciousness; in addition, they are very interested in the diet of children. At present, Japanese are very interested in early childhood education and Shichida’s educational method from 0-6 years that is very popular and common in Japan. It is educational method to nourish their soul, love to others. Take “education knowledge”, “educational moral”, “physical education” and “practical education” to be basis, aims to educate the whole human personality and right brain development. Shichida said that the educational development of right brain is not just focused on the child’s academic achievement that one of miraculous results is all children to be developed their gentle mind and harmony; children shall manifest the diverse sensibilities, humanity, imagination and creativity. It nourish their love, create the unity of senses (auditory, visual, tactile, ect) and it is important that the execellent cooperation between parents and childrens. Early learning and right brain development shall form the future of world, because one of the goals of education is to create a better world. This is the natural result of right brain development, learning methods based on their love and cooperation. Shichida is the initiator of balance education method between right brain and left brai; this educational method is very popular in Japan now.

 I.               How can help children to become more intelligent.

1.        Conservation is made to chidren from their birth; mothers should regularily take to their children from their birth. When feeding their children, changing diaper, bathing their children, etc, gently talk to them. Read poetry; sing to them by actual mother’s voice, which helps their parenting to become simpler. Avoid slurred speed to children; talk them with lovely voice and standard voice.

2.        Music is very important to their children; every day, their children should be listened to the selected music from 2-3 times, each time is prolonged from 15-30 minutes. Children should be also listened soothing music with the moderate volume. When listening, let them stand on mother’s knees, swing from front to back following to the beat of music.

3.        Children below 3 years ols should not be absolutely watched TV (according to Ibuka Masaru, children should be listened to News program because that is the most standard program of native language. Once you have created a standard of language imprints in their brain and then, when the child will be grown with speaking standard. Children can watch the show on TV ads).

4.        Because the children shall be more concentrated thank to color, parents should let them see black and white checkerboard shaped box to increase their ability to concentrate. The color that the children like is not blue and red; they are white and black. Remember that just let them look for about 3 minutes. If they keep doing so continuously for one week the children’s ability to focus shall be increased from less than 5 seconds to 60-90 seconds

5.        Breastfeeding is the first lesson by their tactile. Mother should deliberately touch the nipple to to other positions than their lips, mouth such as maxilla, mandible, chin, right cheek, left cheek. This is done so the baby quickly learns to adjust the space, feel above – below, right – left.  In addition, mother can use their fingers, scarves bucket or suntion tube to gently brush the children’s upper jaw, lower jaw. Children shall know the feeling of being licked, bitten intho these things and shal not bite this stuff as if sucking mother’s nipple.

6.        If parents want to promote children’s taste, use a waterproof bucket of cold towels, cold water, the water is sweet, salty, sour … each one with a baby tasting. This is how to activate the taste very good. This way, they will be more diverse in their meals.

7.        Children have the ability to learn a lot of new things right from their birth, never think that they do not get that. Keep talking, lecturing on the principles do little to say so, please refer to article Early education“it is too late for kindergarten”  Shichida method that are popular in Japan.


 II.               How can help children to become confident and happy

1.        Children need to be cuddled and patted. Such cuddle and pad right from their young age is very important, they shall always feel cherished. Many people believe that “Children should not be hold much that creates their habit to require cuddle”; that is a misconception. Such cuddle and pad is not bad at all.

–         Children will cry as a baby. They cry not only when their physiological need is not met, but also as a sign of psychological states such as anxiety, fear and boredom. At that time, parents should hold their child in their heart that is the most effective action to bring peace of mind for children. Ignore they cry that shall cause intense anger born, their cries become more acute. When studying the issue of abuse in children, it is known that the degree of anger in children is no less neglected anger levels among children are beaten.

–         Instead of taking angry, make them picked up, they shall stop crying. When they begin crying or getting anger as a signal, if they are picked up, they shall stop crying. However, if they keep crying and not to be held, they shall self-stop crying at any time, in such moment, this is not that they become docile, it hurt them. If such action is regularily repeated, children shall turns staid emotional state, apprear signs of abnormal psychology.

2.        Listen to them. Parents should attentively listen to their children that mean they pass the message “You’re very important for me”. The time mothers take is not longer than the time their children take. And when talking, parents should express their sympathy and attitude, especially communicate by eyes.

3.        Instead of saying “Make an effort” let us recognize the “You made much effort!. Even for us adults, the two sentences above has given us a very different feeling, for children may create a sense of helplessness as, Try to be OK, how can try again”:.

4.        Say “thank you” a lot. “Thank” is the basic communication in human relationships. Especially for children who assess themselves at low level and often think, “I do not get anything”, “I am not usefull”. Children shall be very happy to hear the word of “thank”. Their confidence will gradually be increased as well as their effort. Even for children who dome something wrong, parents should find their positive points to say “thank” or words of encouragement that has important significant for children who often assess themselves with low level. The cheerful and confident in young children will help mobilize the brain can do many things that we wanted. Let your child become cheerful, optimistic, in the light of many thank you to say to me is very important.

5.        Psychology child is conceived in repeated cycles of two states including reliance and independence.When children feel insecure it is necessary to rely and act as a baby. In case of reliance, full peace of mind, it shall apprear. Psychological state of “feeling of loss of freedom” and want to be independent, the two states alternately appear and disappear, form their psychology. Parents always have the time to worry when children look to their help to build reliable relations environment, it is very beneficial to their psychology in the process towards independence.

6.        Children do not act as a baby it does not mean that they are independent. They act as a baby at right time, right level that is independence. Respect their personal preferences; let them active in “act as a baby” or “independent”. Respecting the personal preferences of young children will facilitate iterative cycle act as a baby and independent as the foundation to create desire and work towards independence, because kids not act as a baby no means independence, the child is act as a baby properly new independent.

7.        Children who act as a baby thoroughly to 10 years old shall become good children. Not only children, but even adults, to be loved afternoon, act as a baby is essential. Act as a baby is to require love from others, when the demand is met, we shall be felt to be loved, deserved to exist on this earth. Since then, the confidence is daily nurtured. Conversely, when the children want to act as a baby that cannot, even be scolded by their parents, they shall be frustrated and then they shall think that “Nobody loves me”. Children shall gradually lose their confidence, self-underestimate, even disgust themselves and shall become aloof, indifferent and sad, crouched in the shell, easy-to-enrage, love to vandalism and easy-to-deal with others.

8.        What is the difference between Pampering” and “love”? The key issue in parenting is the distinction between the concept of “pampering” and “love”. “Pampering” is not good, not recommended, because the chidren overprotect their children, accept all their demands, overinterfer or govern the children under their subjective. “Love” or “allow reasonably to act as a baby” is good and necessary that is the respect of privacy and children’s personal wishes.

9.        When a children under 10 years old is difficult to act as a baby, the parents should increase the time to close with their children, cuddle and love them more. The love of mother and the acting as a baby of children shall be release psychology impasse, mutual effect on each other that make the love between parents and their children more and more deeply. Even siblings in a family who have the same nurturing environment, there is someone who can be good at acting as a baby, others cannot do. Chidren who cannot act as a baby, if their parents do not take care of them, they shall be gradually grown in the faint, loose relationship; they do not sure that their parents love them or not; and do not sure the value of self-existence. Therefore, if your child is unver 10 years old and not easy to act as a baby, parents should understand that their children may be under something, therefore, they should increase the time to contact, closen them.

10.    We can select children who can be scolded or not. When children do something wrong, parents should strictly teach them that is very necessary. However, we need to select the children who can be scolded. Kinds of children we can scolded including :

–         Children are relatively confident in themselves; no matter what is perceived positively, facing forward, with stable mental state. This kind of children shall not feel too heavy, promptly recognize and correct their errors in spite of being scolded.

–         Children keep calm, indifferent or not bother. Although their parents scold them, they shall not care, even grinning in order to soften their parents’ anger.

Parents must be careful to scold following kinds of children:

–         Children who are sensitive, shyness if they are reminded, they shall snuggle not dare to do it again.

–         Children who are stubborn, obstinate, difficult to change, even make argument. In fact, this type is also soft and easy to be vulnerable. When being scolded, they shall be hurted more three times than normal one. For this type, parents should not scold them, ask for detail, then make gentle teaching so that children can be easy to receptive. For this type, if parents scold, they usually argue or keep silence that make their parents more frustrated resulting more damaging children. At that time, the scolding shall becoe a vicious cycle.

11.  When scolding children, we need to comply 03 key points as follows:

–         Do not use questions that deny children personality such as “you are useless”, “stupid”, etc.

–         Do not make noise. Parents should analyze the wrong that need to be adjusted.

–         To teach, analyze children that how to not be scolded again.

12. “Sandwich terminology” is method to remind children that make them to have more excitied to make their effort. Parents should raise their good points at first, then mention their bad points, and then continuously raise good points. This way shall not make children feel uncomfortable that even feel complimented. This method is especially necessary and effective for children who ussualy self-rated themselves with low level.

13. How to teach children basic discipline in their line, teach them to symphathize and share with others that is very important, parents should note that:

–         The most important thing is that parents have to set an example for their children, children shall imitate, emulate their parents in a natural way.

–         The teaching under dictate and command styles shall not be highly effective, even make anything worse.

–         Let your children taste the  defeat. Parents should teach their children from their failures; when they fail, their parents do not criticize, revile and help them to derive lessons after such failure. Teach them that there are no failure, only experienced lessons”.

14.  How parents can keep caml before children mistakes. Japanese educators and experts recommend that:

a)     Parents should not ask, expect children from unrealistic things:

–         Children are solipsistic, cannot think to others; children usually fail due to lack of development to foreseen; children are not obedient because they cannot keep calm to listen to the words of others. 

–         Parents should recognize in positive way that before having capability to think for others, children should be able to “assert itself” at first; by failure, children can have opportunity to learn a lot of things that are expressed by children independence.

b)     Parents should not recognize in negative way for children speech. Because they are in process of development and learning. If parents deduct by their thinking that is very difficult to accept, therefore, do not try to misinterpret the child in negative way.

c)     Parents should not over responsible. If parents believe that any acts and speech of children are not good for parenting, they shall become impatient to scold.

d)     Parents should pay attention following things so that when children grow up, they are not easy to angry:

–         Parents must be persons who are not easy to enrage.

–         Parents must not teach children under mistreatment, beaten, fine styles.

III.            How to support the mother

1.      If parents would like to protect their children, they should protect the mother, at first, who always makes effort to teach their children, who are under heavy pressure in parenting.

2.      Mother goes to work that is “gain” or “loss”. In 1999, Japan issued the law on “Men and women are equal to participating in social activities”. The wife goes to work on business trip, appointed to work that their works are more and more heavy. There were so many different arguments relating to parenting. However, many Japanese people agreed that until children got 3 years old – period of maximum brain development, it is very important thing that nurturing children in a peaceful environment with full of love, (according to Ibuka Masaru almost of intellectual capacity and personality flatform are formed until children is 3 years old).   

3.      How parents can do to close with their children in case both of them go to work?

–         Do not completely entrust the care of children to grandparents or maids.

–         The main work related to children, mothers need to do; otherwise, might occur unpredictable consequences.

–         When coming back home from work, mothers should take advantage of time to ask, close to their children in spite of little time. Make such little time to become fun and happy. Do not scold or order them in such time.

4.      Father should be coordinate with his wife to parent their children. Father is the most powerful partner of mother in parenting children; it should be overcome the thinking of “Men builds house, women builds home”.

5.      Children is “raised as raise eggs”, mother should be “inspired as inspired flowers”. Parenting career career is important in all societies. If the child is a gem, the egg to cherish, then the mother must also be jewels, flowers for us to cherish. Let it stand side by side, companion inside the “jewel”!

You know:

Easy-enrage children are very sensitive, care about others.

Stubborn children have strong political opinions.

Children with slow behavior can be meticulous and patient persons.

Mischievous children are healthy etc.


References for some principles of Japanese parenting

1.   Children do not need to be too clever. Smart and good students are a good thing, but good character is better.

2. Parenting environment is very important. It is difficult to teach a child to a member of a family or a conflict, a lot of young school or a neighborhood damaged many evils.

3. Parents should not form a bad habit for their children. Do not compromise short-term interests to form bad habits for children. For example, children do not eat their meals; parents turn on TV to coax children to eat. Therefore, to achieve the purporse for adding a few tablespoons of rice, parents form a bad habit that is very difficult to quit.

4. Parents should their children, sympathy with them (see Section II.14 as above).

5. Parents should tell the truth to their children, never express the “diplomacy” and lie to others in front of children.

6.  Parents should never compromise principles that do not allow children to carry out even though they know that their children shall nag and protest. Because the compromise only makes worse results.

7.      Children’s diet must be balanced. Children under 1 year old is still the main source of nutrition. More than 1 year old should eat three meals a day; food must be balanced and rich.

8.      Children never let her be hungry; therefore, parents should not put pressure to children to eat.

9.      Meals must be taken place on the right seat. Children who do not sit shall not be eaten.

10. Excess supplementation of calcium for children is not necessary. Parents should let them regularily run around under the sun.

11. Children should be dressed clothes with multiple layers.

12. Parents should identify their children to be cold or not by checking their neck.

13. Parents should regularily and daily provide fruits to their children.

14. When children with cold symptoms such as runny nose, just continuous saline drops, they do not need to take medication. If children have the new flu virus, they need medication and should not drink more than 14 days.

15. If children get fever, they should be taken to the hospital and requested blood test.

16.  Anyone can get sick, sick. Therefore, when a child has a cold or mild, do not panic and do not bewildered.

17. If the children do not affect the safety of the children, to the benefit of other persons shall not intervene in the child’s behavior.

18. Parents should let their children play comfortably, do not rush to retire.

19. Children should not be forbidden for any dangerous thing. Let them know the danger will occur, how to occur and where to occur. Children should be access to the danger under parents’ control.

20. Parents should let them have opportunity to experience as much as possible. Do not predict the outcome for children. Let your child explore, know the consequences, and know how to succeed failure.

21. Parents should teach them how to wait.

22. Parents should teach them to take responsibility for their actions.

23. Parents should teach them that giving and receiving is a two-way process. The recipient must also say thank.

24. In society, there are currently many methods of early education. If parents do not really understand, do not know how to do, they should not do and force their children.

25. Parents make sure that everyday they have time to play with their children.

26. Parents should make their children laugh several times at least in a day to remain their good mood.

27. Parents should make their children how to face up with defeat. Their children may be disappointed, given up, tried to make it again, but definite not to cry and depressed.

28. The basic rule is to never hit or attack parents first. In the kindergarten, children can attract the teachers and other friends’ attention with their loudly talking.

29. Children have the right to decide on matters related to children.

30. When a child is 4-5 years old, teach the child how to spend money and weekly pocket money.


    In book “Japanses parents teach the independence to their children”, Sugahara Yoko shared 66 lessons to help children’s independence with Japanese parents’ love. In which, there are something that Japanese parents never do if they would like to form the independent habit to their children:


1. Do not use the command and prohibition to children

Japanese parents understand very clearly that children are more words parents use assertive and aggressive, it will be aware of yourself in a positive way. In addition, in case of positive perceptions about themselves, children can get love and “assert themselves”. In contrast, children whose parents use many negative words shall feel that everybody does not love them, think that they are weakness lead to hate theirselves and live in the shells.

To the parents do not use the word order, the most important is training them in the habit voluntarily, by creating a family lifestyle accordingly, giving young scientists living habits, giving clear rules in the house and always keep in mind that parents should be the first to comply with the provisions set out, etc.

Immediately after birth, the child will constantly explore the world around them and like to do things as adults do. Teach children to work hard and even dangerous as climb up and down stairs, use cutlery for each age. Teach children what is dangerous to touch, and do not let them near children. As more and more parents teach the practical skills in life, children will be more skilful, confident, and independent that parents do not need to use words and prohibition orders.


2. Do not outrageously love to children

Parents always spend all their love for a child. However, what is “outrageous love”? One of the obvious symptoms that parents feel “pity” to see children to have “suffered” the worst results due to the actions of the cause, or think that all children’s acts of wrong words are caused by their worse parenting. They do not want to see their children to get in trouble without their help. 

Their outrageous love results in over-intervention in their children’s life, daily activities. Many parents also affect to children’s personality, force children to do their opinion. That love shall not only kill their children’s independent spirit, but also make them become weak, be dominanted by their parents’ love, embrace the hurt in long time.


3. Harm children in case of putting parents as a replacement

They believe that the children who are grown up in their parents’ covering shall be deprived many experiences that children shall be experienced by themselves. Therefore, learning through experiences shall be reduced that children shall lack experience to solve any problem. For these children, it is sure that they shall be very difficult to integrate with the world, because at that time they only know to give up and dogle the difficulty.

In the book, Yuko Sugahara also shows some signs of “parents as the replacement” including always makes order; direct them to do like this or that; unconditionally meets all demands of children (even though they do not have demand) or always makes children meet parents’ opinions (do not care for their feeling, do not respect children’s opinion), etc.

                                                                                                (Summary according to Akebashi Daji)


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a. Learn advanced learning skill: speed-reading, thinking diagram and memory training methods.

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